The Truth Behind the Blake Bortles Benching


It was the start of a Buffalo Bills tailgate like any other, I pulled into the Tops parking lot about 7:57 am. None of our crew was there yet, but that was to be expected. Eventually, after some time of waiting by myself, my dear friend, Scully, and his girlfriend rolled up. After a minute, they exited the vehicle along with one woman that would change the course of Blake Bortles’ career as we know it.

Soon enough, we all gathered in a tailgate lot and started a morning of substantial drinking: a little beer ball, a little flip cup, the usual. All was going well. After a few drinks, one of these women, let’s call her Katie, started speaking in tongues. This moment, when I first heard the incantation, would change the way that I looked at football forever.

“Bortles Bortles Bortles Bortles Bortles….Dieeeeeee” I heard. I didn’t think much of it at first, just some drunk girl chanting shit. I was wrong. These words would soon end the career of Blake Bortles in the great (Ha) city of Jacksonville, Florida. Now, I have nothing against Bortles, he is great at reading Wikipedia and handing the ball off to Leonard Fournette, but I really wanted him to choke against my Buffalo Bills.

Back at the tailgate, Katie repeatedly made a “C” shaped gesture with her hand. She claimed that it was “C” for Craig, but I have to imagine that it was actually “C” for Curse. During the game, while she was yet again uttering one of her Bortles chants, I asked her if she was a witch. She replied: “Yes, I am a witch.” I was terrified.

From there, we all know the story: The Bills won 24-21, with Bortles only throwing for 127 yards with 1 TD and 2 INT. The sad part of the story comes from the following Monday. New breaks that Blake is getting his ass benched for Cody-Fucking-Kessler. It was a heartbreaking morning, but then I realized that it wasn’t Blake’s fault at all; it was all Katie and her witchcraft.

“Bortles Bortles Bortles….Dieeeeee.”

Did Bortles physically die? Maybe not, but being benched in the NFL is a fate equal to death. Honestly, I hope that Blake breaks free of this curse, but I also plan on casting this curse on Bills’ opponents for years to come.

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