Dirty Dietz Detests: His Alarm Clock

Some of you may be asking: “Dirty Dietz, why are you so mad?”

Imma tell you why I’m mad. Well, first off, who the hell are you to be asking me questions? Second, I’m mad because my alarm clock has made the already miserable experience of waking up and getting out of bed, so much fucking worse.

Like most people out there, I use my phone as an alarm clock. The default alarm setting, on my Samsung Galaxy, is to get a rundown of the news stories and the day’s weather from Bixby.

Now let me tell you about Bixby; she is the worse. Bixby is the “digital assistant” that is on Samsung phones, similar to Siri on the iPhone. I swear that this pathetic piece of A.I. has been sent to slowly break me down until I jump off my roof. What an absolute diabolical move by the artificial intelligence crew.

Let me give you a glimpse of what I have to hear each morning out of Bixby:

“Good Morning, today is Tuesday, May 29. 2018.

Pretty standard stuff here.

“The weather is going to be cold and rainy, don’t forget to wear a coat.”

While I appreciate the weather update, Bixby only ever mentions the weather when it is shitty out. It’s never “today is going to be sunny and 75 degrees.”

Next, she runs down a list of news headlines. No context, just the headlines. Again, it’s never good news. Bixby wants to make sure I wake up and immediately hear about school shootings, Stormy Daniels, and the faux outrage of the day. I know the world sucks, but I don’t need a reminder the second that I wake up in the morning. Fuck, Bixby, just tell me who won the game last night or that Josh Allen is looking great at mini-camp.

This alarm makes me feel like I’m waking up in Hell; perhaps I am. Bixby makes me miss waking up every morning in the same way Bill Murray did in “Groundhog Day,” listening to “I Got You Babe” and two radio hosts talk about how “It’s collllld out there today.”


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