Fortnite: The Tragic Tale of My First Royale

Unless you’re some kind of nerd, you’ve likely heard of the wildly popular game: Fortnite. In this game, a bunch of miners drop from the magic school bus into a land of abandoned buildings, where they then proceed to murder each other.

After recording a new episode of Drinking and Mocking and a few whiskey drinks, I decided to check out what this game is all about. Draft Expert Nick, who is apparently also a Fortnite expert, won the first game of the night while trying to show us what to do. I thought I understood what was going on, but when my turn to play finally came, I was completely lost.

I sat on the bus, thinking about where I was going to drop in. All alone in a strange world, I had no idea where to go. “The “Moisty Mire” sounds sexy” I thought to myself, and decided that is where I’ll head. I said “peace” to Ms. Frizzle and dove from the bus. Since I am not a professional sky diver, I landed a bit off course at some place called the “Lonely Lodge.”

I looked around at this strangely beautiful war zone I had been thrust into, and strolled to the nearest building. I figured a place called the lonely lodge would be a good place to meet other lonely single players with whom I can chop down trees, drink slurp juice, and hunt nerds. As it turns out, I was very much alone at the lonely lodge. Again feeling lost, I started to wander until I saw a giant wolf in the distance. Upon closer inspection, I noticed this wolf was a structure of some sort. I took out my pickaxe and broke down the door on the wolf’s leg. The inside was like a fucking maze, but I found some lovely items, including a purple gun that I hear is very good. The good times abruptly came to an end as I heard a voice telling me to run and that a storm was coming.

With the storm quickly approaching, I busted a hole into the head of the wolf, waved goodbye to the majestic beast and started to run towards to safety. I started to hear voices in my head, or maybe they were from my couch; they told me I would never make it, that the storm would devour me. I shook it off and proceeded to run directly towards the circle of safety. I didn’t make it very far before that storm caught up to me, but my will to live pushed me to continue my journey. I reached out to whoever was listening; I told them not to worry about me and that I was going to be alright, but deep down I knew this was likely my end. I was deep inside the storm, but the gifts I found in the mighty wolf were helping to keep me on my feet.

The end of the storm was in sight and I realized that I may have a shot to pull through, however, my health was quickly approaching zero. I was physically and emotionally draining but the sunlight ahead gave me strength. Three…”I’m almost there”…Two…”My team needs me”…One…”I made-“…..Zero. My health was gone. I collapsed to the ground as I finally broke free of the treacherous storm.

I looked around at the world around me, it was light, the sky was clear, but I was dying. Now, on my hands and knees, I crawled further and further into the clear, but my fate was sealed. The storm would soon continue its path of destruction. I couldn’t bring myself to put any of my teammates at risk trying to save me. I stopped where I was and relaxed, and found peace as the storm washed over me and brought an end to my first game of Fortnite.

I may be the worst Fortnite player of all time, but this outcome was pretty much exactly what I expected. When we talked about Fortnite on episode #24 of The Gritcast, I predicted that this very thing would happen to me, that I would be “stuck in the storm.”

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