Battle of the Beasts

There has been this scenario, floating around the internet, where you have to pick two groups of animals to protect you while the rest are trying to kill you. I’ve been thinking deeply on this matter, mainly because a human-animal ear is up there on my list of ways the world will end, after Artificial Intelligence and Aliens of course. So that I can finally start growing my animal army, I’ll break down the options(see above) and make my decision.

50 Eagles

Eagles are an early front runner for me. They are the only aerial option,almost have to take them just to control the sky.They have razor sharp talons that would do some major damage to any of the other options, and then can take to the sky to avoid taking damage. Maybe the most important fact here is there are fucking FIFTY of them. Fifty eagles could take down anything! Just take a look at what an army of eagles did in the Battle of Five Armies, they dominated! If they are good enough to hang with Gandolf, they are good enough for me.

10 Alligators/Crocodiles

While the eagles control the sky, the gators can control the water. One bite from one of these bastards, and you aren’t going anywhere. Powerful tails can knock you right off your feet; a solid tactic, they knock you down, something else finishes you off. Gators/Crocs are basically landmines, they barely move and if you avoid them, you’re safe.They can provide a decent defense, but I’m looking for more of a two-way player.

3 Bears

Maybe one of the most versatile animals available, they have sharp claws, strength, speed, and size. I’m a little worried about their drive, I feel like most of the time bears are just laying around like lazy bastards. I’d like to have four bears here, three is borderline not enough. If you’ve listened to The Gritcast, you may have heard me talk about how I think I could take a black bear(and a gator) one on one. I’m absolutely confident that I, with my animal allies beside me, can take on three bears.

7 Bulls

Bulls could absolutely wreck some shit if you get them pissed off. That said, I think they are lower on my list. Bulls are fucking cows, I’m not scared of some cows grazing in the pasture as I go to war with animals that I actually need to worry about. I feel like they have only one move, a stampede, that I think they will only pull off once. I mean people survive running with the bulls in Spain every year, I think I can survive seven of them laying in the grass because they think it’s going to rain.

1 Hunter with a rifle or shotgun

I feel like this is an underrated option and not enough people are picking it. One person with a gun can take out most of these animals, I mean the sound of the shots alone can scare some of them off. Problem is there is only one of them, they need a good team around them watching their back for them to be successful.

15 Wolves

People probably jump all over this one, a pack of wolves is an obvious top choice here. First off, you get a whole pack of them. Second, wolves are loyal beasts that know how to work as a part of a team. Lastly, they are badass mothafuckas. Only thing that has be second guessing here is that Liam Neeson was able to take on a whole pack of wolves with nothing but broken mini bottles of Jack Daniels taped to his knuckles. Feel like they may be softer than you’d think.

10,000 Rats

The grittiest option on the board! Ten thousand is a monster number, you get offer like that, you almost have to take it. These scrappy little monsters can overwhelm our enemies with shear numbers. They are also riddled with disease,so even if me and my army of rats fall to the enemy, we can rest easy knowing they will soon join us after losing to the Bubonic Plague.

5 Gorillas

Powerhouse option here! The have the brains. They have the brawn. They have opposable thumbs. One on one, gorillas would probably beat every other animal on the table. As long as the follow their alpha, they should be in great shape.Have to say I’m a little nervous that they gorillas would go all Planet of the Apes and keep me as a pet.

4 Lions

The big question here is: are the lions male or female? Male lions are the laziest animals in the animal kingdom. They try to act like they are the kings of the jungle, but they don’t do shit. If we’re talking female lions though, you are getting some bad bitches that are hard to turn down. They’re the hunter; they’re the ones that are going to do some damage in this fight. Unfortunately, the lions pictured above are small dick male lions that will probably sit on their ass the entire fight with the bears and the gators.

My Decision:

I’m taking the hunter and the gorillas. My quarterback and their offensive line. The hunter can start hitting the others from a distance, while the gorillas can provide cover from any animals with the stones to charge us. If my hunter goes down, I’m fairly confident that one of the gorillas could pick up the gun and keep firing; you won’t see any other animal do that. In a show of support, I will pop on the ol gorilla suit and fight alongside my gorilla friends in this war. Let’s face it, animals are kind of fucking stupid; there is a reason humans rule the Earth. This option gives me the closest thing to 6 humans protecting me. Let’s set this up, I’m not even worried about losing this fight.



  1. 10,000 rats alone would take down your 7 person team. I think you have to take the rats strictly so that they’re not coming after you.


  2. I’ll unleash my wrath on those rats, like I was Charlie Kelly in the basement of Paddy’s Pub. Rats may have the power to take down Europe, but I’m better than that.


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