Ranking The Star Wars Movies…Because No One Has Ever Done That

Today is the day that Star Wars: The Last Jedi is released to theaters all around the world. As I sit here writing this, I am watching The Force Awakens to finish out my Star Wars binge before heading to the theater in a couple hours. So I’m going to do this new and completely original thing where I rank all of the Star Wars movies. Not including Rogue One in these rankings as that is a whole other animal than the Skywalker Saga. There is some room for debate on this list, but if your rankings are drastically different than mine, you are probably a weirdo that belongs on a watch list. You want to fight about it? Follow me on Twitter: @DirtyDietz20 and lets go.

7. Attack of the Clones

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Now I love every single one of these movies, but AOTC is easily the worst one. One look at the movie poster, and you know that this isn’t going to be great. There are many issues with this movie from the terrible writing (“I hate sand.”) to the excessive CGI to Obi-wan’s ever changing wig to the awkwardness of every scene involving Padme and Anakin together. We get to see Boba Fett’s origin, and what do you know, he is still a terribly uninteresting character. What this movie did very right was the lightsaber fights. Obi-wan and Anakin vs. Count Dooku. YODA vs. Dooku. The entire arena scene, there were like 200 fucking Jedi fighting! All electric! Can’t say I hate Natalie Portman’s clothes being conveniently ripped. Kind of like Anakin slaughtering the Tusken Raiders scene, hate his little speech after. The clear worst movie, but it has some action to make up for some of the Anakin-Padme awkward romance.

6. The Phantom Menace

I feel like this movie gets too much shit from the fandom. Is it perfect? No. Far from it, but it isn’t nearly as bad as people make it out to be. This may be my favorite Star Wars move from a  visual stand point; it looks different from any other movie in the series. It was before they started going too crazy with the CGI, and still seemed to have some practical effects. Feels gritty to me. Pros: Darth Maul is a badass, cool lightsaber fight at the end, I dig those Naboo starfighters, Liam Fucking Neeson. Cons: Anakin sucks, not enough Maul, Jar-Jar Binks.

5. Return of the Jedi

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While this may be my favorite episode to watch, I’ll admit it isn’t one of the better movies. Another Death Star? They really couldn’t do something better than that? Kind of throws the whole movie off for me. Outside of that, I love the rest of the movie. The scenes with Luke, Vader, and the Emperor and literally electric. Leia in the metal bikini is one of her best looks. That bum Boba Fett dies(?), so that’s cool. I have always heard people talking about how much they hate the Ewoks, and I have had it. Those Ewoks are goddamn SAVAGES! They straight up slaughter the Stormtroopers on Endor, and more than likely fucking ate them afterwords. They are some badass little bears! And as if saving the galaxy for you wasn’t enough, many of those Ewoks signed up to be therapy companions for all the Rebel soldiers suffering from PTST. Ewoks are saints and y’all better leave them alone.

4. The Force Awakens

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Star Wars Episode VII: Another New Hope. The movie is extremely similar to the orginal Star Wars, but I think JJ pulled it off. Love the new characters introduced it this one, Rey, Finn, Kylo Ren; all great. The whole movie looks perfect, a visual masterpiece. For a guy that seems to hate Star Wars, Harrison Ford looked like he never stopped being Han Solo.They could have used some more Poe Dameron in this for sure. Him, Phasma, Hux, Snoke, are all good, but maybe a bit underutilized. Once you get past the repeated plot and excessive(?) nostalgia and fan service, it is one of the more fun Star Wars films.

3. Revenge of the Sith

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The clear best movie from the prequel era. I may have this one ranked slightly higher than many would put it, but I feel that the epicness of the movies give it a boost. I mean you get lighsaber fights out the ass. Everyone is fighting, everyone is dying! We get to finally witness the rise (fall) of Darth Vader, along with that nasty fight with Obi-Wan on Mustafar. Yoda vs. Palpatine was a battle of the GOATS. Anakin was a much better character in this one. This is probably the darkest Star Wars movie yet, for fuck’s sake, Anakin walks into the room and kills a bunch of younglings…

Or Yuenglings.

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2. Star Wars (A New Hope)

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A near perfect piece of cinema. I normally would place this movie much lower down the list, but during my most recent re-watch of this, I have remembered just how great this movie is. Outside of Luke, who is a whiny bastard this whole movie, I love every single character in this movie. The Battle of Yavin, where they blow up the Death Star, is probably the best space battle in any movie ever. My only issue really with this movie is that “Low T” fight between Darth Vader and Old Ben Kenobi.

  1. The Empire Strikes Back

Widely regarded as the best Star Wars film, and I can’t disagree. It starts off with the electric Battle of Hoth, the Empire comes in fucking shit up from the beginning. It’s the first time that we get to see Yoda. We learn that the secret to becoming a great Jedi is great cardio. Lando Calrissian is the coolest mother-fucker in the galaxy. We get the first fight between Luke and Vader along with the most iconic movie in franchise history with “I am your father.” This movie takes Star Wars down a different path than were used to. It’s different, and that is part of what makes it great. It’s darker, it’s gritter, but it’s not without those feel good moments and some laughs. I’m expecting some of the same in The Last Jedi.

Update: I have now seen The Last Jedi. The Star Wars fandom is at war! Some are saying this is the worst Star Wars movie ever, while some are saying it is one of the best. It’s either you love it or you hate it. I loved it. I need to see it again, but my first thought is that it is a top 3 Star Wars film. I’ll probably end up giving my full thoughts on the movie sometime next week after my second viewing.

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