Turkey Bowl 2017: The Roster

The 17th Annual Holland Turkey Bowl took place on Saturday and it was a smashing success. I’m going to write a few posts recapping the game itself, but I wanted to start with a rundown of our rag-tag roster.

The Players

James “I Played Soccer” H.

James may not have the softest hands due to his avoidance of sports requiring opposable thumbs, but he more than makes up for it with strength, speed, and the intimidation factor radiating from his slightly shorter than average shorts. I liken James to Brian Urlacher when he had a club hand: tough as nails, great leader, tracks down running backs from behind, can sometime catch the ball.

Brian “Does Anybody Know This Guy” F.

Brian was a true wild card. He showed up to the Turkey Bowl because he saw the open event on Facebook, even though he didn’t really know anyone that was playing. WILD MOVE, but it turned out perfectly! Brian played football back in the day and was one of the fastest guys on the field. He probably had about 5 interceptions throughout the day and made play after play. I think he was most similar to Troy Polamalu: a perennial All-Pro safety who was a tackling machine with the ability to take every interception to the house.

Jesse “Nobody Makes Me Bleed My Own Blood” C.

Jesse provides a mix of size and speed rarely seen at the Turkey Bowl. Dangerous in space, you have to make sure this guy is covered at all times or else he’s going to go yard. Closest comparison: Sylvester Stallone as “Rambo” because Jesse always draws First Blood.

Brandon N. AKA “The Green Bastard from Parts Unknown”

Known as the player who wears a recycled Halloween costume from 3 years ago, Brandon is a unique guy. He excels at playing in the trenches due to his formidable size, but he can also make some plays if you get the ball in his hands. This mash-up of skills makes him most similar to Antonio Gates: a great blocker but even bigger red zone threat (minus the basketball skills).

Tom S. “Scully”

A real Swiss army knife of a player, Scully can play all positions. He may be the smallest guy on the field, but he can run, catch, and sling the ball with the best of them. Tom is a clone of pretty much any smaller white guy on the Patriots. Closest Comparison: Tie between Wes Welker, Julian Edelman, Danny Amendola, Danny Woodhead, and Rex Burkhead.

Pat “I Didn’t Get Hurt This Year” C.

Pat’s injury history looks like that famous Allen Iverson poster but he managed to make it out of this one alive. One year, Pat was juked so badly that he dislocated his shoulder, but this year he showed a lot of grit and determination and played the whole time. He’s built like an old school running back that thrives under the 3 yards and a cloud of dust mentality. NFL comparison: young Mike Tolbert (not the current trash version of Tolbert that is on the Bills)

Joe “Coach” E.

Joe is such a football guy that he had to coach wrestling practice before he could make it to the game, he might be Sean McDermott’s illegitimate son. Joe is another dude who may not have the greatest hands but makes it up with hustle and testicular fortitude. He flies all over field and takes off like a rocket if you get the ball in his hands. I think Joe compares most closely to ex NFL Safety and now GM of the 49ers, John Lynch, a helluva player and a leader.

Kevin “Forrest” R.

A Turkey Bowl virgin, nobody knew what to expect from Kevin but he did not disappoint. It turns out that the guy who once tried to run across America was still in great shape and had more stamina than anyone. NFL comparison: Marquise Goodwin, former track star turned speedy wide receiver.

“Cricketty” Craig G.

The veteran that just keeps getting better with age, Craig is the bridge between the old guard who started the annual tradition of the Turkey Bowl and the current crop of players. I like to call him “All Time” because whenever there are uneven numbers he volunteers to be All Time QB. Craig has a rocket arm that can overthrow receivers like a vintage Jamarcus Russell, but his versatility makes him closer to Russell Wilson, a guy who can run, throw, and do everything in between.

Dirty Dietz

A mauler in the trenches that can blow up a play, if you’re the QB you need to know where Dirty Dietz is coming from. Your best chance of getting around this mountain of a man is slapping the glasses off his face so he has to crawl in the mud looking for them.  Dietz is also one half of the vaunted Pot Roast formation which is legendary for its ground and pound ability. Dirty Dietz is similar to pre-prostitution scandal Warren Sapp on defense, and a slightly less agile Jerome Bettis on offense.


I feel a little biased giving you a scouting report of myself, but I like to think of myself as a poor man’s Randy Moss. I can use my height to get those jump balls and I like to run go routes straight down the field. However, I also like to take a few plays off to catch my breathe because my cardio is trash and I can’t really tackle for shit.



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